Amy: Today I have Monique Balboa with me, and I’m excited for all of you to hear from her wisdom! She is an Independent National Sales Director Emeritus with Mary Kay Cosmetics, and years ago she came into my life. I think it was about twenty-seven years ago during my own time in the Mary Kay company while I was in college. I had a director who recruited me into the business, and Monique was a leader over her. So over the course of time I came to know Monique, and she has been an amazing mentor in my life. So, Monique, welcome to the show today!

Monique: Thank you, Amy! It’s such a pleasure to be here, and I’m so honored that you’d even consider asking me these questions. I’m excited to be part of this podcast and excited to help How Leaders Replenish and all of the moms and wives who are just juggling a million different things. I’m so happy to be here! 

Amy: Well, out of everyone you know what this looks like because I remember all of the different things that you would do in that business. Now, just so the listeners/readers understand Monique’s level, a National Sales Director in the Mary Kay corporation that is the upper-echelon of the business. In fact, I was always in awe of her because she had multiple 5 carat diamonds that she had won, and she would go on these National Sales Director trips every year to amazing castles in Europe. The company would pay to send her on these incredible trips where there would be a concierge to do whatever her bidding was. I remember Monique, who was an amazing tennis player, said that she wanted to play tennis on Wimbledon courts. Your concierge actually made that happen for you, right?

Monique: They did! They did. It was a dream-life, you know? It was a Cinderella-life. Mary Kay believed that she would give the things that women dream about, and they’re not always practical things because women are so practical and we sacrifice everything for our family, our children, and our husbands. We don’t treat ourselves so she always treated us. And I always felt like Cinderella on the trips, but then I’d come home and the next day I’d be picking up dog poop like everybody else. You get to go on these dream trips and you come home to reality, and that’s just the way life really is.

Amy: I want to talk about an interesting thing about your background. A lot of times if people hear about someone with a career in the makeup industry they’ll think that the person is really into makeup. You even have a sister that was a former Miss New Mexico, isn’t that right?

Monique: Yes, yes! My sister Lisa.

Amy: So you had a sister who is really into makeup, and in fact probably seven because there were seven girls in your family and one brother, correct?

Monique: Eight. Eight girls and a boy, and I was the youngest.

Amy: I remember you telling me when we first met that you went to college and earned your degree in engineering, and you would go up on the high lines with the guys out there, and you said you were not into makeup whatsoever but you chose that career when your sister who also wasn’t into makeup talked you into it so you could have more time with your kids. Was that the reason why?

Monique: Yes. And just a little thing for those who are you listening, Amy loves me so much and she will make me sound better than I really am, but I did graduate with a degree actually in poli sci, and a minor in the engineering field because I transferred from the United States Military Academy at West Point. Motorola was my company, and they trained me to do the field work. So yes, I used to be on towers and poles and do all those sorts of things. My sister Lisa was my recruiter. She was Miss New Mexico, and she was a cheerleader, and she was the homecoming queen at her college, and she was beautiful. She lived in LA and I lived in Colorado. I was an “Earth woman” so I didn’t wear makeup, and my hair was long and straight—by the way, nothing’s wrong with long straight hair—and I was one of the only women in our majority male office. I was a tomboy my whole life, and Lisa was beautiful! She’s in Heaven now and is even more beautiful in Heaven. We were polar opposites, but we had the same values, putting God first family second and career third. She saw that desire in me, that I wanted that ’cause I was pregnant with my first baby when she recruited me. She led me to a place where I could thrive in Mary Kay within my own skin and my own personality. So we both actually became national sales directors, and Lisa and I were the first two sister national sales directors in the history of the company, and our picture is in the Mary Kay museum from now until eternity. It’s an honor.

Amy: Well you have been an amazing mentor in my life. I am so grateful for the wisdom that you’ve spoken into me over the years, and I’m excited for everyone to partake of that today! I remember that, as you were working on everything with all of the travel that your career involved, you had certain parameters you would put into place to make sure that you were having time for your husband and your three daughters. What were some of the things you did to make all of that work? 

Monique: I think the main thing when you are trying to harmonize—which is the word I use instead of “balance” because I think balance is an elusive concept and if you’re listening today I think you need to use the word “harmony” instead—it means that your needs are met, your children’s needs are met, and your husband’s needs are met. That one isn’t sacrificing more than the other. It still might be crazy, but it’s harmonious because you can’t be perfect. Only Jesus Christ is perfect, yet we, as women, try to be perfect and it puts so much pressure on us. I can only speak from a self-employment position because when I was full-time and working forty-five hours a week I didn’t have balance or harmony.

It was really hard under the structure of a corporate job. But now with covid and people working from home things have changed, and the corporate world has softened in that area. I think you can make statements and demands to make your own life the way you want it to be. Customize your plan, and I think corporations will start listening. I became a master at time-management, and in building my business I chose to work only Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. So first I chose my work week.

Many times people say “I wanna be a lawyer and a doctor,” and they think of the money or they think this or they think that, but they don’t think of what they want their career to look like. “Do I wanna travel? Do I wanna have time with my children? Do I wanna be surrounded by amazing women or men who have integrity and character?” They don’t think of the things they really want. They think of the career first, and then they try to change the career to match their belief-system, and it doesn’t work that way. So I challenge you to write down what your dream career would be in every aspect: traveling, time with children, time for yourself; and then what career might match your desires. That’s the way to do it. I took the Mary Kay career; I work Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays; and I work ten-hour days. Now, yes, I still had daycare. I never said I did it without daycare. I had daycare on those days. The difference is that I would drop them off at 8:30am or 9:00am, which wasn’t 7:00am, and I would pick them up around 5:30pm, but I was home working so I could start dinner in a Crock-Pot. They could come home and we’d have dinner every night—that was super important to me—then I would work that night from 7:00pm to 10:00pm, and then I would take off Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday because in the corporate world I was worthless on Friday. I wasn’t productive. And Sunday night I’m like, “ugh! I have to go back to work!” So I just said I was never gonna work a Friday or a Monday again.

You take your time and you design it in a way that works for you. If you’re better to do a little bit every day, good, but I’m an all-or-nothing person. I’m either 100% in or I’m not. So for me to have three ten-hour days is easier than to have five days that were six hours. Then on the days that didn’t work (Mondays and Fridays) I worked in their classrooms, did my grocery shopping, and did my laundry. I did all the things that I didn’t do on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays other than feeding them their meals, and then I caught up on that during the days I didn’t work. I think becoming a master scheduler is it. My kids all played sports when they got older and I had to drive them. They all played high school sports and there were state championships in their sports, and I sat down to talk to them and said, “okay. You guys have three games this week. Mommy can make two games, but I can’t make all three.” And they were okay with that because we talked through it and they understood our goals, but they also understood that I couldn’t be at all of those games and still run a business. But I didn’t miss them all. 

I think to become a master scheduler the number one thing is prioritizing what’s important to you. Money is not what you go after. It’s the quality of living. When I tried to recruit for Mary Kay I asked people, “what do you currently earn, and what do you wanna make?” And they would always want to triple their income, and they’d have this unrealistic goal like, “I wanna make it in a year!” I’d tell them this isn’t a get-rich-quick scheme, and it’s that short-range sacrifice for the long-range goal.

If you are working towards this dream calendar—if you’re a mom listening here—you have to make some sacrifices in order to gain what’s really important to you, and only you know what those sacrifices are. For me it was sacrificing tennis and sports. I gave up tennis for eighteen years, and I ran instead in the morning before they all woke up. I’m not a morning person so in order to have the schedule I wanted I had to do it early before they woke up, and I had to sacrifice tennis for that period of time. In tennis you’ve gotta shower afterwards. The whole thing takes two hours. There just wasn’t time to do that, but I still wanted to exercise. So that’s one of my sacrifices that I made to have the schedule that I wanted to have.

Amy: What were some of the things that you did with your kids so that when you were home you really built memories with them? 

Monique: Oh, gosh, what didn’t we do? I do it now with my grandchildren. I think the main thing with children is they don’t care what you’re doing as long as you’re doing something with them. There’s a lot of pressure today because of Instagram and Facebook to do all these things, but they just wanna be with you. So playing games, reading, or just going to parks. I kind of combined work with pleasure sometimes.

We had parks all over my city, and I would take them to a different park on my days off, and we’d bring a picnic for lunch because I wanted to meet mommies at all these different parks for my business, but I also wanted the kids to go to the park. So I combined those sorts of things. I did have my kids go grocery shopping. I did allow them to help me do things like that because they thought it was fun. We did tea time every Friday. We would decorate and set the table up for tea because I grew up with a Victorian grandmother. When my youngest was too young for school she would set the Friday tea table and we’d have tea time. They love tea time to this day! All three of my children are “tea-aholics” and love tea time and tea parties. We would do the zoo, we would watch a movie that was approved. We didn’t have home theaters back then and all this stuff that you people have in their houses, so we would hang a sheet over the window and pick a movie, and we didn’t have big screens back then but they didn’t know or care, and we’d have something we never had like popcorn and chocolate milk or something, and we’d make a movie day. It was just silly things! I had three of my grandkids every Thursday, and we have a basket of toys that belonged to my kids. I have Operation, Twister, Trouble, Monopoly, and a basket full of toys. One of them is Mr. Potato Head. Every time they come over here they take all the toys out. They have millions of toys at their house, but this is all they have at “Grandma Mique’s” house. My five-year-old grandson played with Potato Head for over an hour-and-a-half! He would never play with a Mr. Potato Head at his house. My point is that it’s not what you have, it’s the time that you’re spending.

I did crafts with my kids though I’m craft-impaired, or we’d go to a place to do crafts. We would go on walks, go foraging, make fairy places, and we’d go find things in nature for the fairies. It’s not hard. 

Many parents and grandparents think it has to be creative, like taking them to an arcade or something–and nothing’s wrong with arcades–but I didn’t have the money for that, so we just did free things. There’s free stuff out there all over the place. Does that help?

Amy: Yes! I think it’s amazing. I remember you told me that your parents divorced when you were little, and you were raised by your military father from the age of three. You told me that your upbringing was kind of like military boot camp for all of you, and you are, in many ways, a huge role-model to me for your parenting skills. Before I have ever had kids I can remember you would tell me about the things that you were doing with your kids every week, and I thought, “wow! How do you have this million-dollar business helping all of these people, while also constantly building all these memories with your kids?” 

One other thing you told me was that you created a “hope chest” for each of your daughters before they got married, and anytime you traveled you would buy a special thing for their “hope chest” that you were going to give them when they got married. What were some of the things you put in the “hope chests”? 

Monique: Well, my youngest just got married and she just got hers. It was more antiquey things. Things to do with tea. I love antiquing, and I’ve been to thirty two countries. I would go into antique stores and other countries. I learned how to find things at Goodwill. When I was young and poor I found great things at Goodwill because I was trained well by my grandmother. I bought silver things. They each have a silver tea service because they love tea. They have beautiful antique linens for their table. Antique napkins that match the linens. Serving pieces. One was just the “I’m special” plate, which wasn’t antique but every time someone had a birthday we’d put out the “I’m special” plate. If they achieved something really important one child got the “I’m special” plate and everyone had to go around the table and say why their sister was special. And that was always funny because my middle daughter Stephanie wasn’t fond of her little sister, and one time it was her little sister’s day with the “I’m special” plate and Stephanie couldn’t think of anything to say about her. So I said, “okay. Go to your room and you can come back down to dinner when you think of something special about your sister.  She came back down and she said, “fine! She’s cute.” So they each got one “I’m special” plate for their future family. Also, a pickle to hang on the Christmas tree was in the “hope chest” so you have a pickle on the tree and whoever finds it gets good luck. Just things to start their life, but mostly serving pieces that that generation might not register for anymore. Things like that.

I always had to buy everything in threes ’cause I wanted everything to be fair. One child is seven years older than the other, and when I just gave Erin hers it had those things in it and she just giggled.

Amy: Didn’t you tell me once that you had a tradition every Christmas where you would all get together and read a specific Christmas storybook? 

Monique: Yes. Under my tree is The Gift of the Maggi, as well as The Polar Express, and the night before Christmas. We would read those three books every year. This year what I’m doing for my family and my grandchildren is, instead of buying presents, we’re going to the Polar Express. I have thirteen of us going to the Polar Express, and I bought everybody matching pajamas. My sons-in-law are six foot five, six foot five, and six foot three and they’re gonna all be wearing these pajamas. We’re going to the actual Polar Express because now I believe in experiences instead of stuff. If my kids got four Barbee dolls for their birthday parties they had to bring back three or give them away. I just thought it was just an overabundance. 

Amy: I understand, and that is definitely true. I think with experiences and building memories there’s so much more meaning to that than just having more things. 

Well, obviously you’re recently retired now, but when you were in the thick of your career, what would you say were some of the biggest challenges you went through in finding that harmonious place?

Monique: I think forgetting about myself was the biggest challenge. I never forgot about my kids. When they had homecoming they never had their finger nails or toenails or their hair done professionally because I thought “if I do this when they’re young, what treat are they gonna have when they’re older?” I didn’t wanna spoil them. But when homecoming or prom came I said, “you can either have your toenails done, your finger nails done, your hair now. Only one.” Because of Mary Kay I had a lot of people who could do things, and then I could paint their toe nails and fingernails. So I think my biggest challenge was to remember to take time for myself.

When my kids were in high school I would take them to lunch once a week because they don’t want you there. In middle school I would go to lunch once a week and sit with their friends around the table. In grade school I also did the same thing and worked in the classroom. I made sure that everything was pretty fair with them, so I think my biggest challenge was me because my kids just really didn’t have a lot of issues. One of my daughters had struggled in math and I’m really good at math, but it was calculus and I could get the answer but I couldn’t tell her how I got the answer. So I had to hire a tutor, and it was hard for me to relinquish control.

Explaining to them why I didn’t want them to go to parties, talking about alcohol, and talking about the things that can happen in high school wasn’t hard for me to discuss with them. I’m very open. It was hard in the beginning to trust, but if you don’t trust and let them go then they’re gonna try to do it behind your back. so maybe it’s hard to trust but that trust is so important.

I remember my oldest daughter Whitney saying, “Mom, because you’re so open and you trusted me so much it made me not want to do any of those things. I had no need to do them.” And one of my other daughters said, “Mom, I think discipline is necessary.” She was in grade school, and she would go to her dad’s. She told me one day, “I need disciplining and dad doesn’t discipline me.

I said, “well, tell him.” She understood that discipline, if done correctly, means love, and she was only in grade school, so I think another challenge for a parent is knowing what discipline looks like and being consistent in that discipline. But I think, if I go back to your original question, the most challenging thing was to remember me.

Amy: And did you ever find a specific way to do that, or do you feel like throughout your career it was an area of constant struggle?

Monique: The way I replenished myself was I did a Bible study, and to this day I still do it. I purposefully did it on a Wednesday morning, which was one of my work days, and I wanted it to be in the morning because I thought it was more luxurious to do in the morning and I wanted to have homework. [laughter] I found that if I did it that way it was more replenishing to me. I think Bible study was fun for me, being around women outside of Mary Kay was fun for me, and then learning to have quiet time was good for me. And quiet time doesn’t always mean at five in the morning. Sometimes it’s just being in my car. The other thing I did for myself was running and body-building in my late-thirties because fitness was important for me. And then I also once a month had girlfriend time with somebody from outside of Mary Kay, not because my Mary Kay friends weren’t important to me, it was just that I wanted somebody that didn’t ask me about Mary Kay all the time (and they can’t help themselves). Those are the things I did for me.

Amy: Tell me if I’m correct. Do I remember that years ago one of your daughters had a pretty serious illness?

Monique: Whitney.

Amy: How did you get through work during that time?

Monique: That’s a great question, Amy. That’s the beauty of being able to design your work around your priorities, and that’s what I was trying to say in the beginning. Your job conforms to you.

Whitney was diagnosed with chronic osteomyelitis. She was twelve and had a growth on her tibia, and they kept telling me that it was a bone spur or something. You know that moms know, and I told them, “you’re wrong. “You’re wrong.” She couldn’t sleep at night. It was painful and it just kept growing bigger and bigger, so finally one doctor took her and he immediately said to me, “Your daughter has bone cancer and you need to go to the hospital right now!” So I called her dad. He met me there, and while I was sitting in there and she was getting diagnosed I thought, “all right. I have to put my business on hold. Someone’s gonna have to take over my meetings,” but I could sit there and design my life around taking care of this child. What ended up happening is it was a misdiagnosis, praise the Lord, and it was osteomyelitis, but she was like a cancer patient. She had to have a picc line in her arm, and she had to have treatment three times a day. So what I did was make her room like a hospital room. She was in sixth grade, and they graduated her early ’cause she was a straight A student, and I re-adjusted my schedule.

To the women that I had the privilege of training I said, “everything will be done at my home. You can come here and I’ll do career chat interviews for you, and I will do my facials here.” When I told people this I just said, “I have a daughter who has to have special treatments and I do everything in my home, so you’d have to come to my home, and if that works for you I would love it,” and I worked everything around her. Everything.

We had our two best years ever in Mary Kay, and I didn’t even barely leave my house. And then, when Whitney got stronger and could leave the house, I made sure that we did fun things. She couldn’t play soccer anymore so I entered her in art classes and painting classes. She’s an incredible pencil artist and loves art, and we would never would’ve discovered that had she not gotten sick. The doctors told her she’d never play soccer again, but she wound up playing at the division one level, which is where she met you and Shaun in Texas. 

Adjusting my schedule was also a priority when I was a breastfeeding mom. I would meet women at restaurants. I’d tell them I have a baby at home and I breastfeed and I will bring her with and breastfeed in front of you, so if that’s offensive then we’ll have to schedule our meeting for another time. And all the woman said, “no!” My kids were really quiet breastfeeders, and I could do a Mary Kay interview breastfeeding because I just said, “Hey. It’s not the most professional, but this is what’s important to me, and if this is the time you want this baby is gonna be with me.” That’s what I did because it was my business. I always just adjusted and Whitney had this osteomyelitis for almost two years, and so it was a two-year commitment, but it worked out great! 

And that changed to she was. She was so thankful to the Lord, she became closer to God, and she was a stronger young woman for it. That was a very important time for her to go through, and was very very important for me to go through too. To learn really how we can be successful at the same time while putting our priorities in line, and not feeling like you have to sacrifice your core beliefs.

Amy: That’s beautiful! If you look back on your career, are there any burn out seasons that you specifically remember and how did you overcome those?

Monique: That’s a good question! “Burnout” became a term in–I don’t know–maybe the 90s that got too much emphasis, and the enemy took hold of that. Women kept saying “burnout,” and I don’t know if it was burn out or the inability to manage your time, take control, and learn to say “no.” “No” is a complete sentence. I went to counseling to learn to say “no.” The counselor told me, “‘No’ is a complete sentence,” and he said, “you don’t have to give them an explanation. If someone ask you to do something, don’t say, ‘no because I have to do this instead.’ They don’t really care about your reason. You just say, ‘no. It doesn’t work into my schedule right now.’” So I think burnout happens when we can’t say “no” and we spread ourselves too thin. 

Sometimes burnout is because of what we put on our own plate. I had a season where I was teaching the three-year-olds at Church, and I was so busy that I went to my pastor and finally said, “I am so stressed by this!” Back then I was going to two church services–one where I watched the kids, and then one to hear the service–and he said, “Monique. First of all, God doesn’t want you doing this with resentment, and this might not be the time for you to do that. You might serve later when you don’t have three little kids of your own at home and you don’t have all these things going on. And when you step down from this it’ll give someone else the time and place to shine.” So he’d given me permission to say no to things. Burnout happens when we don’t give ourselves permission to say no, and when we’re trying to be the perfect mom. 

If I did experience burnout, which I would say was in my thirties because I was trying to be Wonder Woman for a while, it wasn’t ever the Mary Kay business. It was me trying to have the perfect house. You know, I started sewing Halloween costumes. I am not a seamstress, but I wanted to be that mom that sewed! A lot of my burnout was because I was trying to be somebody I was not so that everybody else thought I was better than I was. I never had burnout in my business because I was really good at mentoring on that and I was really good at saying no. On my newsletter–you probably don’t even remember this–in the corner it says “Monique’s work hours: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Does not receive phone calls Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays. Will return calls on Mondays.” I also had that in my outgoing voicemail, so people would leave me messages and say, “Monique, I know it’s a Friday and you’re not gonna call me back till Tuesday but I have to let you know this,” and they honored it because I honored it. What happens is we give people boundaries but we don’t honor them ourselves, and if you give someone an inch they’ll take a yard. So when I would travel to see you or to see your mom and I was gone three days, then I took off three days the next week. I harmonized that in my return so that it just made me feel better. 

Here’s one more story. You know when you get picked to bring something for the school party or a birthday? Well this was a Halloween party, and I made these cat cookies at like one in the morning. I had to cut them out because this was the time I’m trying to be the “great mom.” I rolled out the cookies and I cooked them. The cat expanded and it didn’t look like a cat anymore because it had puffed up. Then I had to paint the face and that took another couple hours. I probably went to bed at three o’clock after working on these cat cookies for third graders. So we’re at the party and this little boy dropped his cookie, and he goes, “Mommy I dropped my cookie!” and she goes, “oh, just throw it away.” I went hysterical and I accidentally scared the kid because I knew everything that went into that silly cookie and I was probably short on sleep. And the mom looked at me like “what’s wrong with you?!” I just said to myself, “okay. Not again! They don’t care if you buy donut holes. You don’t have to make everything yourself!” For me burnout was more  about me learning how to say no to the things that did not serve me well.

Amy:  That is million-dollar advice there, for sure! I think you might have been the one years ago who said to me, “if you can’t fit everything in one day it means that you’re doing things in your schedule that God hasn’t asked you to do.” 

Monique: Amen! I might not have said it that eloquently, but I said that a lot.

Amy: And it is so true. It’s really not burnout. It’s just knowing how to prioritize your time and saying no to what you need to say no to.

Monique: “No” is healthy! It’s a healthy thing. People aren’t gonna love you any less.

Amy: And you really can lay out your schedule of everything you’re doing and start praying over it, “Lord, show me what I’m doing that I’m not supposed to be,” and I believe he will illuminate those things to you so that you’ll know in your heart this is something I could let go of. The Lord will direct you when you lift that before Him.

Monique: I think procrastination is a sign of God. You’re procrastinating things you don’t like to do–now I’m not saying don’t clean your dishes and stuff, but I don’t like cutting out cookies, and so I procrastinate until the last night. I shouldn’t have waited until the last night and that was a sign that I shouldn’t have even been doing it in the first place, but I didn’t listen because I wanted to be the perfect mom. 

Amy: As far as your career is concerned, is there anything that was especially helpful to you that you learned from growing up with your dad, your time at West Point, your time in college, or throughout your time at Mary Kay? Anything that helped you become who you are today? 

Monique: Yes! Definitely time management. Time management is taught, so remember you can teach yourself time management. My father used to say “P to the fifth power,” which meant Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. That’s so military, but when you’re going on a trip and you’re packing you could open up your suitcase and pack for a week. You don’t have to wait an hour before your flight to do those sorts of things. You can just keep throwing things in there all week.

As a young mom I used to have two desk calendars. I had one on my desk, and I hung the other in my laundry room. I needed to see things big, so one of the things that I learned is how to prioritize time by knowing what time is already taken. I would take that big desk calendar and I would go through all my kids schedules of their sports and I’d fill it out from January to December, everything I pre-knew. If there’s a wedding, a doctor’s appointment, a basketball game, if there was practice, my scheduled events, everything I pre-knew that year I had on that calendar so that I knew what was open. Then I highlighted the days that I didn’t work. I highlighted different things in different colors. Yellow was fun-time (representing the sun). Green was work time (that meant money). Blue was spiritual-time (that meant God). Pink was Mary Kay time. My kids would look at the calendar and they would see all of that based on those colors. Another thing that helped was having my kids schedules on this big thing that they could go to and see when their game was. They didn’t have to come asking, “Mommy, when’s my game?” I would say, “go look at the calendar.” So they quit asking me those questions, and it also helped them take responsibility if a friend called my house. You know, sometimes women do this whole “well do you know if your mom is free next week? I’m just calling to see if she wants to do this,” and the kids go, “just a minute. Lemme go look at the calendar. Well we’re looking at the calendar. My mommy is busy.” I even put “groceries” on the calendar for Fridays. I’d write everything on there. 

If someone for Mary Kay asked me to do a facial on a Friday, I said, “no. I don’t work on Fridays,” because if you started letting somebody in then you would do it again and again and again. You start making exception after exception. And I didn’t wanna get in the habit of making an exception, so luckily in my business I could give someone else that appointment, but I had to tell myself that one appointment is not gonna make or break me. I’m gonna let it go. I’m gonna book myself on Tuesdays, Wednesdays. and Thursdays as best as I can, and God will take care of the rest because I’m honoring Him with this schedule and this life. I did maybe sacrifice being the absolute top person in my career because of that choice. I didn’t wanna work five days a week, and I knew if I did that then I’d sacrifice things I had made priorities, so I could have been even higher up than I was but there would have to be a trade. I knew that, and I didn’t blame it on anybody. It’s just the nature of the beast. I wasn’t ever resentful that I wasn’t the best of the best, but I was up there with the best because I was unwilling to do what they were willing to do. You have to be at peace with your willingness, because you can take a willing person and make them capable, but you can’t always take a capable person and make them willing. I knew my willingness, I knew my parameters, and I knew how high I would go with that. And you actually become more efficient with the less time you have because you get better and better at what you’re doing when you compact it rather than dragging it out. I got better and better and I didn’t work more hours but I moved up because my skills got sharper and sharper.

Amy: That makes sense. While your daughters were all living at home did you hire a housekeeper or did you have them help with chores throughout the house? I’ve had some mom say to me, “I feel like I’m doing my kids a disservice because I don’t have them help around the house,” or, “they’ve grown up and now they have their own place, but it’s always a mess because I never taught them how to clean,” and yet there’s the thing with the kids having little time for that due to sports or other activities. What are your thoughts on that?

Monique: I grew up without a housekeeper, but we had nine kids and we each got an allowance, so my kids got an allowance, but I did have a housekeeper. I had an 8,200 square foot house, and I did not expect my kids to clean the whole house. What I expected of them was to clean their own rooms, fold their own laundry, clear the table for dinner, and help with dishes. They got paid for that. They did not clean toilets, they did not just the house, and they did not vacuum, but their rooms had to be cleaned every Sunday. I didn’t care during the week if they were crazy, but every Sunday, before they started the new week, they had to be picked up. You have to have your parameters of what they’re supposed to do. My kids knew how to fold. I would do the laundry because I didn’t trust them with the hot water and the cold water, but you could still teach your kids how to do their own laundry if you wanted. Laundry wasn’t hard, but I’d fold it all wonderfully and then they would just stuff in the drawers anyway, so I finally decided they can fold their own laundry. They had to make their bed every day. That was a big thing. They were making their beds, folding their laundry, and doing dishes after dinner. I felt like since I did dinner and I did the meals they had to clear it themselves. And I see my little grandchildren now. They’ve cleared their table since they were 1. My kids have passed that on. They don’t load the dishwasher yet ’cause they’re too little, but they eventually will. They take their plate and then they start doing dishes. So, for my kids, it was a limited amount of chores, and then they got an allowance for that.

Now this is what I did with the allowance. When they were little their allowance was a set amount, but I would say, “if you are disobedient you’re gonna lose a quarter of your allowance,” and they understood that. So I’d give them let’s say their three dollars of allowance, in cash, and I’d say, “but you disobeyed three times so now give me back seventy-five cents.” They had to learn, so I gave them the money and they had to give it back, and they felt the pain of it more because instead of me just giving them the allowance with the the deduction I gave them the full amount and they had to pay me back for every time they were bad. That was powerful, and they also were more obedient because of it.

Amy: I think the reason that worked is that, as you said earlier, you purposed not to over-buy for your children and not to spoil them, so they really valued the money they received. 

Monique: Yes! And they would use their allowance. I would take them shopping for what they wanted to use their allowance for, but they saw that giving it back was harder than getting it. They had to be accountable. I’d say, “Mommy wrote this down. This is what you did. Did you do that, or did you not do that?” 

And they’d go, “yeah. I did that.” 

“Okay. And I reminded you when you were doing it that you were gonna lose your allowance, and you said, ‘fine,’ so that’s what’s happening. Now you’ve gotta pay me back.” It was a clear concept.

The other thing is when they were little (if you have real little kids now you probably can do different things) I used to take one of those clear plastic flip things and I made a chart and taped it near the sink. It had things like “brushing your teeth”, “brushing your hair”, “changing your underpants”, and every morning they could check it up with a marker. Because moms always go, “did you brush your teeth? Did you do your hair? Did you change?” You’re constantly repeating yourself, and I didn’t want to have to repeat myself all of the time, so I could go up and look at what they checked or didn’t check and see what they did or didn’t do. I said sometimes (cause I can tell they didn’t brush their hair), “did you brush your hair?”

“Uh huh.” 

“I’m gonna go check your chart…”

“Okay! Let me go back up there,” because they knew they hadn’t and they would see that they hadn’t on the chart. That kinda helped with little kids. They could take responsibility and check that they did those things, and I think I learned that from somebody else. So with chores you want to teach them to be strong enough to go off into the real world. I will tell you, though, that in college my kids’ rooms weren’t that clean, but they did all their own laundry. They did also complain about their roommates not being so clean. And, now that they own their own homes, my three kids are so organized and put together. So when they had ownership of it, their whole personality changed.

Amy: Another thing that you did really well with your kids is that you taught them about vision-setting. I remember you telling me once that you would have everyone in your family take a sheet of construction paper or something, cut out pictures and write words below it of what they were believing to have happen in their lives in the next year, and then you would go laminate those and they would become everyone’s breakfast placemats.

Monique: You have such a great memory! Those are called goal placemats, and they were something I created at Mary Kay, because we’d do goal posters. You’d put them in your office or behind a door, and people weren’t seeing them frequently enough. So I decided to make goal placemats so they would eat off of their goals every day. I’d always had my goal placemat with categories of my spiritual goals, personal goals, business goals, and financial goals. All those quadrants of the circle were in my goal placemat. At that time my kids had like 101 Dalmatians placemats, and they had a little friend over for dinner, and the little friend noticed that everyone had a placemat but mine was different. So she asked about it and my oldest daughter Whitney answered the question, “oh, that’s my mommy’s goal placemat,” and she lifted it up and she recited all my goals to this little girl at the table. She had understood them because she learned from me saying them, and so I asked the girls, “do you want a goal placemat?” My kids all went, “YEAH! We want to make those!” So I you just get magazines and would cut out pictures and words, or I’d have to write some of them for them, and we started with our first goal placemats. I would take them to a store and get them laminated, and I remember Stephanie’s this particular year–and I’ve told the story many times–where she had a bed made real neatly and she had a swing set and she had a puppy. I don’t remember the other thing, but there were only like four things. I said, “well then you have to tell, out loud, what it means.” It was her turn to raise her goal placemat. I said, “Honey, what is the bed?”

She goes, “I wanna make a better bed. The swing set represents that I wanna play more. The puppy represents that I want a puppy, obviously.” 

So we decided and everyone put a puppy on their placemats that year because they collaborated. They also put Disney World that particular year. I said, “okay. For an entire year you have to show me puppy-responsibility,” because I knew if we got a puppy, who was gonna take care of it? Me. And one time we had a storm. I lived in my first house, and right behind me was a park. I could sit on my deck and see the kids playing right there because there was nothing behind me but the park. I was on my deck having a cup of tea while watching them at the park, and it started raining, so I blew a whistle to let them know it was time to come back in, and Stephanie came running in and I asked, “where’s your little sister?”

“Oh! I forgot!”

I said, “well what if it was a puppy?”

And she said, “oh. I would’ve remembered the puppy.”

I had to go back and we found Erin, who was underneath the slide because it was raining. And I could see her from the deck, but her sister left her so we talked about how that was not puppy-responsibility. So the gold placemats really helped and they would make them every year. As they matured in life, of course, when they got to high school they didn’t get as much fun out of them as they used to, but they made goal posters, so they learned. I continued to make my goal placemats, but they didn’t.

Amy: That was very effective! I remember you telling me that they saw so many of the things manifest.

Monique: Oh, always! They always did. Disney World made me accountable because that year Mary Kay was offering a special trip to Disney World that directors could win, and it was really hard to win. And the girls kept telling everybody who came over “we’re going to Disney World this year!” I won the trip and my sister Lisa also won the trip, but we found out later that only about 1% of people win the trip. We just didn’t know any better because my kids made me so accountable because it was on their goal placemats.

Amy: We should probably wrap up here soon, but I just love listening to you talk, especially about your parenting stories, because you are such a wonderful mother! So last question for you: if you could go back and talk to the twenty or twenty-five-year-old you, what would you tell the younger version of you that would have helped you in your journey?

Monique: I wish I would’ve been stronger in my faith. I was raised Catholic–and I have nothing against Catholics, but I had a misunderstanding of God. So my advice would be to marry equally-yoked. Don’t marry someone thinking you’re going to change them. I did and thought I would bring him to Christ, and I worked on it our whole marriage. Our three children love the Lord, and they married equally-yoked, but I would tell my younger self to understand what that really means.

I loved my husband, I love my three children, but it was very very difficult to be the only spiritual leader in the household. So I’d say to my twenties self, “don’t even entertain the idea. Don’t even toy with the idea of marrying somebody that’s not equally-yoked. I know that’s hard, but don’t.”

The other thing I’d say to my younger self is, “it’s highly overrated to be Wonder Woman. It’s highly overrated. No one is grading me for my cupcakes, and no one is grading me for my homemade Halloween costumes. No one is grading me for having my house look like nobody lives in it. Learn to live in an environment that’s healthy and clean but not anally pristine and perfect just because you think that’s gonna make people respect you more or think you’re more amazing.”

I had a statement from a neighbor one time who told me that every time she came into my house–and this is her own insecurity–it made her feel insecure because everything was always so put together. I’m not saying to be sloppy or anything, but I think I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. It was for an impression, you know? Heaven forbid there’s dog hair on something. I was just always vacuuming. It was silly. 

One more thing I would say to myself is “seek spiritual mentorship and counseling younger. Don’t wait for a catastrophe.” Counseling isn’t just for when things are bad. It’s a tune-up! Shaun and Amy hold this amazing marriage ministry and to dive into that young in your marriage or your situation, and not wait until things get so bad that it can’t be fixed or someone is unwilling to fix it, and to understand that it’s not a negative word. Going to counseling is not a stigma. It’s a good thing! It’s a tune-up! You go and get your car tuned up, your own changed, or your windshield wiper replaced. This is the same thing! You need a tune-up sometimes in a good marriage to make it great again! It doesn’t have to be bad. So my advice to my younger self would be to do that with or without your partner. With your partner is better, but do it and don’t think it’s a bad thing. I used to think, “oh, it’s a bad thing. I don’t want people to think I need counseling.” Seek spiritual counseling, marry equally-yoked, and do not try to be Wonder Woman.

Amy: I love that! Well, thank you for sharing your wisdom with us today. It has been wonderful visiting with you, Monique!

Monique: I love you, Amy, and thank you for thinking I have wisdom! And to those of you becoming grandmas, you can apply a lot of the same principles. However, I do follow my children’s rules for their children. So my advice to grandmothers is that my grandchildren are allowed to have a lot of sugar, they eat this, or they eat that. So each of my children have a different rule in their house, and I don’t impose my rules on them. I follow their rules because they are the leaders of their households. They are the mothers, and I don’t impose my motherhood on my grandchildren. I do what my children want. That’s my advice there. Or else you’ll create a lot of animosity, and that’s not a good thing.

Amy: That’s good advice. Thank you again, Monique!

Monique: You’re welcome. Bye!